how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
