It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER