it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight