Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
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you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?