Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
