I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
