He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
