Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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