Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
