Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
