oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
