Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
