My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
