How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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