anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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