in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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