The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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