I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
