My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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