I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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