Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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