I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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