Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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