You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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