Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
