can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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