kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
