I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
