you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
