i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
