I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
