There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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