Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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