Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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