maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
