ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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