whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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