No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
