She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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