Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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