Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
