erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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