24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
