On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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