I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
