Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The struggles of a small town man whore
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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