He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
