Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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