that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
