It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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