We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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