a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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