we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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