I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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