evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
