we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
