Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
