Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
