just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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