wanna go halves on a baby?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
