The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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